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The Secrets of Counselors
When we share a feeling, or and issue or an opinion with a friend, spouse or family member, seldom do they respond directly to what you share. often they have only been half-listening or planning what they are going to say when you finish. Often they employ "negative scorekeeping and focus on some negative attribute, statement, behavior or feeling. Sometimes they jump to the giving of advise, often their favorite solution.
None of the above are good responses and do not meet the needs behind the statements. A good alternative is active listening and empathic listening.
Doing active listening which basically involves sharing back to the person speaking what they are saying. Shared may be the main points made, or it may be the feelings directly stated or feelings indirectly stated, and/or the values being acted upon or displayed.
When one hears an emotion or value from another, you can always do one of two responses. Both are appropriate. The first is called having identification or sympathy. It means that you share the same emotion that is being expressed. One way to do this is after your summarization, you can share a story about yourself where you felt the same way.
Another approach is to respond from an "empathic" position. Here you do not share the same emotion but can understand it from another's viewpoint. One mich say: "I am hearing that being around your cousin is very painful.
None of the above are good responses and do not meet the needs behind the statements. A good alternative is active listening and empathic listening.
Doing active listening which basically involves sharing back to the person speaking what they are saying. Shared may be the main points made, or it may be the feelings directly stated or feelings indirectly stated, and/or the values being acted upon or displayed.
When one hears an emotion or value from another, you can always do one of two responses. Both are appropriate. The first is called having identification or sympathy. It means that you share the same emotion that is being expressed. One way to do this is after your summarization, you can share a story about yourself where you felt the same way.
Another approach is to respond from an "empathic" position. Here you do not share the same emotion but can understand it from another's viewpoint. One mich say: "I am hearing that being around your cousin is very painful.
Listed below are four YouTube videos demonstrating active
listening and an empathetic responding approach.
These videos are known as "classics"in counseling fields.
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To Go Back to Chapter Two: "Aunt Sarah Shares",
Click on Bearley Bear and he will take you right there.
